ek haar mein aastha ki khaatir...
bewajah jeetne ki ho ummeed aur haarne ki ho chahat...
pal bhar ko maula yeh sab ek khel banaa de...
ek shwas mein aastha ki khaatir...
maut oob jaaye jisse shayad kuch aisi zindagi ki ho aahat...
pal bhar ko maut ko bhi zindagi dila de..
ek pyaas mein aastha ki khaatir...
pyaase marne do dost, kaun jaane mil sake shayad isee mein raahat...
pal bhar ko pyaase ki aas mitaa de...
===========================
ek aanchal mein kuch sheeshe the
chehra dekhne ki koshish bhi ki
sheeshe shayad darji ki preyasee ne taanke the, har sheesha mein ek aanso ki dhundhlaahat
be adab saansein aur kufriyat meri...
5 टिप्पणियां:
If i say i could understand every thing and appreciate the finer emotions involved in this poem, I'd be lying...esp the last stanza...but I'd leave the analysis part to the more knowledgeable lot...its not important that one understands evrythng that meets the eye...n surely ur not a novice at writing these...
So keep writing...
Good one dada specially second para.Lagta hai poori branch mein ghalib ki aatma ghus gayi hai.
Aur yeh main course ke baad ek dessert dene ki ada badi nirali hai.
mere andar ghalib ki aatma nahi ghusi hai....mere andar wohi puranai bukchod aatma hai...
This is something u shud do Aviral....poems never explain ur emotions completely so try to give the central theme at least....will be easy to follow.....I am an admirer of poems but am not knowledgeable to understand it.....
"ek haar mein aastha ki khaatir...
bewajah jeetne ki ho ummeed aur haarne ki ho chahat...
pal bhar ko maula yeh sab ek khel banaa de..."
This one hits home strongly..! Bahut shaandaar hai bhai...too good. On the boundary of a prayer and insight into human psyche..!
"ek shwas mein aastha ki khaatir...
maut oob jaaye jisse shayad kuch aisi zindagi ki ho aahat...
pal bhar ko maut ko bhi zindagi dila de.."
Yahaan aap thoda sa gahre shabdon mein chale gaye...aur prayer waala element kho gaya. Still...wonderful lines...and excellent thought.
"ek pyaas mein aastha ki khaatir...
pyaase marne do dost, kaun jaane mil sake shayad isee mein raahat...
pal bhar ko pyaase ki aas mitaa de..."
This one doesn't really follow the path u were treading in the poem...bahut shandaar lines hain lekin zara out-of-theme ho rahin hain poem ke hisaab se.
This poem/theme has amazing potential...koshish kar ke ek baar phir likho...4-5 panktiyaan aur jodo...and keep on the track of the first para..!
"ek aanchal mein kuch sheeshe the
chehra dekhne ki koshish bhi ki
sheeshe shayad darji ki preyasee ne taanke the, har sheesha mein ek aanso ki dhundhlaahat"
Yeh toh too good hai. bahut hi badhiya...aur nirala andaaz..!
ik kora kagaz thaame hum baithe hain
ke likhe apni zingagi kaa dard us par
kalam toh taiyaar hai par haath hai ke
kaampne se hi nahin rukte
toofaan khyaalon kaa joh zehen mein uthaa hai
aankh aansoonyon se bhari hai
kadam uthte nahin hai
har pal kee saans bhaari hai
kis naam ko dua dein...
kis naam kaa kalma padhein
kis naam ko yaad karein
kisko hum bhulaa sakein
is kore kaagaz koh kyaa kaala karein
bas ek zannat kaa intezaar hai!
एक टिप्पणी भेजें