मंगलवार, मई 23, 2006
cheekh
aaj phir lafzo mein geet hain,
par tumhe phursat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir saanse chal padi hain,
par zindagi ko zaroorat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir tumhe aawaaz dene ko dil karta hai,
par dhadkan cheekh paati hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir bachpan chhoota hai,
par rona aata hai bhi aur nahi bhi
kaun jaane,
kal phir se adhar hilenge,
par geet bane na bane
kal phir maut se mohlat milegi,
par jeene ki wajah mile na mile
kal phir tum sunna chahoge,
par jubaan khule na khule
kal phir aanso beh niklenge,
par bachpana rahe na rahe..
============================
pyaasi zubaan pe lahu ki ek dhaar
nange pairo pe kaanto wali taar
bechaara taar, pyaasi zubaan ki takleef na dekh paaya..
==============================
सदस्यता लें
टिप्पणियाँ भेजें (Atom)
13 टिप्पणियां:
good stuff. keep at it!
abey yeh kya tha.....kuch matlab to hoga....koi inner meaning????
mere palle nahi padaa.....ek cetral idea do is cheez ka....
ek dard hei, ek pyaas hei,
ye 'garal' hi sahi, par mithhas hei,
andhera lakh baah pasare, koi aawaz bhi na de,
sawera hokar rahega, mujhe wishwaas hei.
kashmakassh se guzar rahi hei zindagi teri,
jo aaj usne tujhse nazar yun hei feri,
aansoo na bahana dost, ye keemti hein,
tere lafzon mein hi chipi hei, dastaan teri meri.
Nice words...
Keep writing...
dada shart lagaoge,
yeh aapki pahli posting ho sakti hai but pahli rachna nahi ho sakti,
koi pahli baar mein itna acchha likh sakta hai main nahi maan sakta.
next installment kab aa raha hai??
great minds at work....thats all i have to say...keep going dude...may be we both become inspiration for each other ;)...what say...rest govinda likh hi chuka hai
aacha likha hai tune...nice one..wud rather like to say that it was awesome...
likhte raho...
cheers,
Ravish
Hey buddy..!!
Very well written ..and if you want to say this your first attemp ..it's par excellence...
Write more..and this way u'll be able to inspire few more...
Bst of luck..
-Ajay Saxena
after getting so many comments u mst have got a fair idea as to how good ur creation is..so now u n nimish can complement each other well...
and we can expect something our way almost every fortnight from u two...
"kabhi koi kuch suna jata hai
dil ke zakhmo ko phir cher jata hai
aapki sayari de rahi gawai
tumko bhi dard zuba de jata hai"
aapke likhne ka intezaar rahegaa
"kabhi koi kuch suna jata hai
dil ke zakhmo ko phir cher jata hai
aapki sayari de rahi gawai
tumko bhi dard zuba de jata hai"
aapke likhne ka intezaar rahegaa
"aaj phir lafzo mein geet hain,
par tumhe phursat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir saanse chal padi hain,
par zindagi ko zaroorat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir tumhe aawaaz dene ko dil karta hai,
par dhadkan cheekh paati hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir bachpan chhoota hai,
par rona aata hai bhi aur nahi bhi"
Bahut badhiya bann pada hai...par last ke 2 lines 'dhadkan' aur 'bachpan' waali zara si off the mark hain. Again, a central theme is of utmost importance..!
"kaun jaane,
kal phir se adhar hilenge,
par geet bane na bane
kal phir maut se mohlat milegi,
par jeene ki wajah mile na mile
kal phir tum sunna chahoge,
par jubaan khule na khule
kal phir aanso beh niklenge,
par bachpana rahe na rahe.."
Reciprocal entry and the overall idea is good but u made ur point in the first para itself...aur ismein bhi, last ki 2 lines theme se baahar ja rahin hain.
"pyaasi zubaan pe lahu ki ek dhaar
nange pairo pe kaanto wali taar
bechaara taar, pyaasi zubaan ki takleef na dekh paaya.."
BECHAARA taar....ya BECHAARI Taar..? Do u mean, telegram waala taar..? Zara sa confusion hai yahaan..samjhaayein please.
jahan na pahuche ravi wahan pahuche avi is what i have got to say after reading your short poetries awesome display of talent and imagination for sure.
एक टिप्पणी भेजें