मंगलवार, मई 23, 2006

cheekh


aaj phir lafzo mein geet hain,

par tumhe phursat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir saanse chal padi hain,
par zindagi ko zaroorat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir tumhe aawaaz dene ko dil karta hai,
par dhadkan cheekh paati hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir bachpan chhoota hai,
par rona aata hai bhi aur nahi bhi

kaun jaane,
kal phir se adhar hilenge,
par geet bane na bane
kal phir maut se mohlat milegi,
par jeene ki wajah mile na mile
kal phir tum sunna chahoge,
par jubaan khule na khule
kal phir aanso beh niklenge,
par bachpana rahe na rahe..


============================

pyaasi zubaan pe lahu ki ek dhaar
nange pairo pe kaanto wali taar

bechaara taar, pyaasi zubaan ki takleef na dekh paaya..
==============================

16 टिप्‍पणियां:

Gavri ने कहा…

comment likh de raha hun abhi..
kal haanth chale na chale..

kya bawaal likhi hai aapne.. ek se ek lekhak hai humaaare batch main.. maan gaye ustaad..

keep it up.. aur likhte hi raho.. kal na jaane aapke itne kadradaan ho na ho..

-Vineet

Animesh ने कहा…

good stuff. keep at it!

God Knows ने कहा…

abey yeh kya tha.....kuch matlab to hoga....koi inner meaning????
mere palle nahi padaa.....ek cetral idea do is cheez ka....

Abhishek ने कहा…

Did you discover something new in urself? Kool yaar...Bahut mast hai.

KAVI ने कहा…

ek dard hei, ek pyaas hei,
ye 'garal' hi sahi, par mithhas hei,
andhera lakh baah pasare, koi aawaz bhi na de,
sawera hokar rahega, mujhe wishwaas hei.
kashmakassh se guzar rahi hei zindagi teri,
jo aaj usne tujhse nazar yun hei feri,
aansoo na bahana dost, ye keemti hein,
tere lafzon mein hi chipi hei, dastaan teri meri.

Neeraj ने कहा…

Nice words...
Keep writing...

Parashar ने कहा…

dada shart lagaoge,
yeh aapki pahli posting ho sakti hai but pahli rachna nahi ho sakti,
koi pahli baar mein itna acchha likh sakta hai main nahi maan sakta.
next installment kab aa raha hai??

Nimish ने कहा…

great minds at work....thats all i have to say...keep going dude...may be we both become inspiration for each other ;)...what say...rest govinda likh hi chuka hai

Ravish ने कहा…

aacha likha hai tune...nice one..wud rather like to say that it was awesome...

likhte raho...

cheers,
Ravish

बेनामी ने कहा…

Hey buddy..!!
Very well written ..and if you want to say this your first attemp ..it's par excellence...
Write more..and this way u'll be able to inspire few more...

Bst of luck..
-Ajay Saxena

Shobhit ने कहा…

after getting so many comments u mst have got a fair idea as to how good ur creation is..so now u n nimish can complement each other well...
and we can expect something our way almost every fortnight from u two...

Deepak Bhushan ने कहा…

nice work......

try using softer words.....your feelings are too delicate for these words....

uncertainity...and love/hope.....

I don't know much but I felt that way...

enakshi ने कहा…

"kabhi koi kuch suna jata hai
dil ke zakhmo ko phir cher jata hai
aapki sayari de rahi gawai
tumko bhi dard zuba de jata hai"

aapke likhne ka intezaar rahegaa

enakshi ने कहा…

"kabhi koi kuch suna jata hai
dil ke zakhmo ko phir cher jata hai
aapki sayari de rahi gawai
tumko bhi dard zuba de jata hai"

aapke likhne ka intezaar rahegaa

Varun ने कहा…

"aaj phir lafzo mein geet hain,
par tumhe phursat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir saanse chal padi hain,
par zindagi ko zaroorat hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir tumhe aawaaz dene ko dil karta hai,
par dhadkan cheekh paati hai bhi aur nahi bhi
aaj phir bachpan chhoota hai,
par rona aata hai bhi aur nahi bhi"

Bahut badhiya bann pada hai...par last ke 2 lines 'dhadkan' aur 'bachpan' waali zara si off the mark hain. Again, a central theme is of utmost importance..!

"kaun jaane,
kal phir se adhar hilenge,
par geet bane na bane
kal phir maut se mohlat milegi,
par jeene ki wajah mile na mile
kal phir tum sunna chahoge,
par jubaan khule na khule
kal phir aanso beh niklenge,
par bachpana rahe na rahe.."

Reciprocal entry and the overall idea is good but u made ur point in the first para itself...aur ismein bhi, last ki 2 lines theme se baahar ja rahin hain.

"pyaasi zubaan pe lahu ki ek dhaar
nange pairo pe kaanto wali taar

bechaara taar, pyaasi zubaan ki takleef na dekh paaya.."

BECHAARA taar....ya BECHAARI Taar..? Do u mean, telegram waala taar..? Zara sa confusion hai yahaan..samjhaayein please.

mustafa ने कहा…

jahan na pahuche ravi wahan pahuche avi is what i have got to say after reading your short poetries awesome display of talent and imagination for sure.